There have been times in the years since you were born when I wondered what God could have possibly been thinking giving you to me. Not because of anything you have done. Oh no, precious girl...
I wonder why God thought I would be the best momma for you. I think I'm a pretty good mom most of the time, but I often worry that one day you'll be sitting with your therapist lamenting all the ways in which I screwed you up and all the ways I could have been better.
Our personalities are just so different. It's not that I don't understand you. I know every little facet of who you are. I've been studying you since the moment you were born.
You are cautious and timid.
You don't like to try new things until you've watched for a little while and are fairly confident that you could do them well.
You are a planner.
You are tender and thoughtful.
I adore everything about you, sweet girl.
But I fly by the seat of my pants. I'm loud and a little bit chaotic. I like to jump in with both feet and learn as I go.
Sometimes I worry I'm too much for you and at the same time, not enough.
Lately, however, in seemingly every day moments, I've been hearing God whisper, "This is why you were made for each other."
Last summer, I made you take swim lessons because I thought it was important for you to know how to swim considering we spend so much time in or near the water. You fought me every step of the way. You rarely, if ever, made it through a lesson without crying at least once.
This year, I decided to give you space to decide for yourself. If there's one thing I've learned about you, it's that you do things on your own timeline. You can't be forced. You have to decide when you're ready. Because I'm flexible and spontaneous, giving you the time you need is easy for me. God whisper #1.
Two weeks ago you suddenly informed me you wanted to go to swim lessons. I called and asked the coach to squeeze you in for the last 2 weeks of lessons. It completely turned our schedule upside down, but I'm always up for an adventure whenever you decide you're ready. God whisper #2.
The very first day of lessons, you informed me that you would NEVER jump off the diving board. I told you that was okay. You didn't have to jump off the diving board. I was still proud of you for choosing to go back to lessons and working so hard to improve each day.
Over the next two weeks, you flourished! You were swimming well and jumping in from the side of the pool with confidence. You were still adamant that you didn't want to jump off the diving board, but I saw you watching the other kids... watching them jump while you sat quietly on the side of the pool. I told you it was okay to change your mind. You could try the diving board if you wanted. I was proud of you either way.
Your cautious mind sometimes tells you that you can't or it's too scary. I'm the voice that reminds you that you CAN. I'm the one that believes in you even when you're not so sure, but I still give you the space to figure it out for yourself. God whisper #3.
Then one day you declared that you were ready. I watched you climb up the ladder. You suddenly looked so small, yet I was stunned by your confidence.
After a quick look to make sure I was watching, you jumped...
When you came up out of the water, you looked for me to see my reaction and found me unashamedly cheering like a lunatic. Oh my baby girl, you finally realized you could fly...
God might have whispered then too, but I like to think He was cheering with me instead.